It is since long I am talking and writing about self-restraint but not being able to achieve it for some of the things that I wish to achieve. I am not sure if anybody is like this, but I find a strange conversation between two different self within me. They always talk against each other like I have seen in some movies. In movies one is generally dressed as an angel and the other one as a devil. In my case I do not truly visualize them but I certainly hear two different opinions. Whenever that happens I take a weak decisions by failing to control myself.
I tried to analyze my these two funny characters. Their excuses and justifications are extremely funny. Below is one example.
I decided NOT to use Facebook except a stipulated time of the day. So I decided to use it for 1 hour in the morning. Realizing that after couple of weeks I will have my family back in town and I might not get a dedicated one hour in the morning, I gave some flexibility to it saying, “This one hour can be at anytime of the day when I do not have any other responsibilities”. So this decision needed some actions. So I did below.
1. Deleted Facebook application from my phone. (Why? Because this gives me easy access to Facebook anywhere and anytime and this causes to divert my attention from the task in hand.)
2. Removed Facebook Bookmark from my browser. (Why? May be I can open Facebook my just a button click it makes me easier to open it. If I have to type, I may not do that.as I am lazy too)
3. Specifically mentioned my decision to some friends whom I respect. (Why? This is to make myself guilty if I do that after committing to the people I respect.)
Then came the real action time. As I took the decision in the middle of the day, I thought it is fair to start this the next day. Then next day came at usual time. Got up to see the phone and there were no interesting information to see which can open my half-opened eye and hardly awake brain. Because there is no Facebook. This reminded me about my resolution. Then got up to do some stretching exercise and thought let me start my one hour. Then the fun began. Red numbers representing notifications on top left corner of the webpage excited me. I read each of them carefully and commented, as if my comment is going to change the world in next 60 minutes. Then read all the notes,and posts by my friends. Many a times after clicking the ‘Like’ button I thought what to comment. It is not that I wanted to comment just after reading, but because I have to comment as directed by myself so I am thinking what to comment. So this process continued for one hour. Then I closed the browser, disconnected internet and shutdown my system. No stones were left unturned.
The preparation for office and other activities kept myself busy and I landed in office. Started my day but as soon as browser opened I typed ‘www.Facebook.com’ by practice. Then I thought, “Ohh, What I did? Anyway as I have opened let me see if anybody responded to my comments or any new exciting posts”. Then SuSakti (Good Sakti) said, “Hey, What the hell are you doing? You promised not to use Facebook for more than one hour a day. Then, what are you doing? Close it immediately.”. KuSakti (Bad Sakti) responded, “Abe Chup! I had wasted 5 minutes of that one hour time in browsing through the newspaper. So allow me to watch for 5 minutes peacefully.”. So, I started going though it and some 15/20 minutes passed by. It is not that I did not realize and these 15/20 minutes passed by, it is because I did not want to realize. Then I closed browser and focused on work. After sometime, a pop up came on the right hand side corner of my screen. It was a notification from Gmail that I received an email. Good or Bad feature I do not want to analyze but it also shows me subject and little content from the email. Which I read carefully and understood that somebody commented on my post/comment/note in Facebook. SuSakti advised to ignore but KuSakti dragged my right hand which had mouse in it’s grip to click on that. So I clicked. Then opened a message. This message had a link. I clicked on the link and again the mighty Facebook opened with an interesting information. “I have to respond now. This is an issue that matters. How can I stay quiet? Go! Sakti Go!” I heard. This time I was not sure whether it was Kusakti or SuSakti, I replied to that. Then this continued for several iterations. Then I thought what’s the use to every time open the browser and type the URL to get access to. I created a shortcut again. Then some impeding needs as above prompted me to install Facebook on mobile once again. So life came back to the place from where it had taken a turn.
Initial failures made me feel guilty and more iterations made be shameless. I know what is good but can not help. This remind me the latest statement from one of the key government representative, “Whatever happened is unfortunate but we had no other options”. So I responded to myself, “Whatever happened to me was unfortunate but I had no other options”. This has not only shown my weakness but also shamelessness.
So, what’s next? I will not commit till I make up my mind, practice and then develop enough strength through the power of truth. Till then I will consider myself as a shameless human being.
– Stray Dog