Guilt… My old Friend


I woke up as if I finished my required quota of sleep for the night. Immediately checked the clock on my mobile phone and realized that it is 3:30 AM. Some 2 hours still left for my alarm to buzz. Sat for a while and tried to convince my mind that there is still time so get back to sleep. Within seconds my mind got convinced and started switching off all the lights that it had turned on inside brain. Just then I notices in the right left corner of the bed room there is a movement. It was dark so could not figure out immediately.

I immediately took the torch kept under my pillow and focused the torch to that corner. I was shocked and scared to see an ugly-looking familiar face. He soon silently went to the drawing-room. He was looking more scared than me and that gave me courage. I quickly went to drawing room and grabbed his hand. He did not try to escape. He looked guilty for something bigger than barging into my house.

I asked him while tightly holding his hand, “Came to steal? I am calling police now”. I immediately picked my phone to dial.

He seemed non-reactive about it and he was never trying to release himself from my clutch. This surprised me and I stopped calling police. I gave a good glance at him and he was the ugliest looking person I have ever seen till date but his face had lots of similarity with me.

I asked, “Who are you?” He was hardly bothered about my question and was looking all around. It seemed to me as if he is looking for a place to hide.

I asked again, “Will you tell me who are you and why you entered my house of shall I ..?”

“I am here since last several years. I know you more than you know yourself. I am that friend of yours who helped you do many things.”, he answered.

“Which fun thing are you talking about? I do not remember you at all?”, I exclaimed.

“Standard 6, September afternoon around 3:00 PM. Your friends called you with a secret ‘signature sound’. Your mother had fallen asleep trying to make you sleep. You quietly escapes to join your friends. Then went to the school building where all the new books for poor students were kept. These were the books which were supplied by government for poor students. You took the books with you for no reason and deprived some poor students.

Year 1993, you were coming to meet your friend and saw one old man crying with pain as he had fallen down from bicycle. You crossed him as if you have not seen him.”, he kept on telling all the secrets of mine which I wished if not had happened.

“I know, I was immature then”, I justified.

“Immature!! Should I remind your recent activities?”, He threatened.

“But who are you? How do you know all these?”, I questioned.

“I am the guilt within you. You made me do everything that you wised to do but your society would disapprove. I am that shade of you which you are trying to hide every moment. I exist because you fear exposing me to your society.”, He answered.

“I never remembered that old incidents.”, I said.

“All the activities that you did which you would disapprove are registered in me. You have a guilt checker called Conscience. When you are free from thoughts, It runs through you deeds since the last ‘Guilt checker run’ and validates each act against the ‘must do and must not do’ checklist. Te moment it finds any check failed, it registers that as a bad act and makes me little more powerful. I have grown this big due to all your bad deeds.”, He explained.

“Am I that bad? There are so many criminals roaming around without a single sign of guilt. I just made some mistakes in life.”, I protested.

“All humans are born with natural instincts. You have some basic needs. Hunger, Sleep, Protection from bodily discomforts, need of companions, need of respect from society etc. These would have existed if you would have lived alone in a forest or in a society. When you live in a society, it teaches you how to control these desires. It teaches you how to systematically fulfill these desires.

But, natural instinct never vanishes. In some situations your need or desire over powers your care for society and you just do certain things which society will disapprove. Once done you try to hide it from society but your ‘Guilt Check Run’ catches it. If you never think that the act was bad then the ‘Guilt check run’ can not catch that. The people whom you referred when you said some people roam freely without a little guilt after doing big crimes may never thought that they did a crime. May be when they were growing up nobody taught them properly which is good and which is bad.”, He explained.

“Then, now, what should I do?”, I asked.

“Guilt is a guilt as long as it is hidden. The moment you expose it and show the courage to open it in front of the society you live, your guilt vanishes. This courage is the real power of any individual. A guilt free man walks with his head high and voice clear. The more the guilt are exposed, I go weak.

If you are scared about the society and keep adding guilt, it makes me strong. If I ever go stronger than your social face, I ruin that face and change your character. I can do crimes like murder, rape, sedation. Rather I can do any crime on this earth with my heads high and voice clear.”, He answered.

I thought about it and it made me sense. Just then the alarm of my mobile phone rang to wake me up. I was feeling much better and lighter.

Namaste!!!

– Stray Dog

 

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